Notes about today

-Heart palpitations (too much coffee?)

-Got fired from one of my jobs for asking for more money than was offered. Had to call in to find this out, because the employers didn’t have the courtesy to tell me (or to give me more than $12 an hour)

-My sister’s new baby, Dimitri came home today. His one year old sister tried to poke him in the eye, like a toy

-Took out two weeks worth of recycling and garbage

I want Betty Davis eyes.

I want Betty Davis eyes.

Samantha Irby’s words of wisdom

So I’m reading Bitches Gotta Eat from 2009. I like this. She’s answering Cosmo questions. It’s a bit jokey, so don’t take it tooo seriously…unless it’s this question and answer because I somewhat to mostly agree with the bolded bit at the end.

Question: for the first time in my life, i’m involved in a fling with a guy, and i’m having a blast. but recently, he started bringing emotions into the mix. i just want to have fun! i thought that was what all men wanted.

Irby: man, this bitchass shit is a total bummer. nothing dries the panties up faster than some idiot you’re just trying to grind on getting all sticky and emotional. ew. i spent most of my formative years dyyyying to be someone’s stupid girlfriend, and then when it finally clicked that dudes just want to eff you and move on to someone else and i was sort of okay with that and trying to do my own thing with whoever i want i get the, “why don’t you want to be my girlfriend?” speech. and what’s funny is dudes never really MEAN it, they just can’t handle you hollering at some other dude. he doesn’t want to commit to you, he just wants you to commit to him. he wants you all weak and strung-out over his ass, sitting at home in your curlers while he fucks some hooters waitress. to hell with that. do your thing, bitch!


Last night, I went to the Blouse show and it was really great. They took me to the carnival after. I ate french fries and went on bumper cars and into a psychedelic house. I got mayo in my eye. I made the poor decision of buying Glühwein from a kiosk. Today I feel awwwwful. I think I smoked 20 cigarettes. Today I’ll watch Modern Family and think of my grandma, because it would have been her birthday today.

Career Moves: What happened to the good ol DIY culture I used to hate?

I’ve been coming to the shitty realization that a lot of musicians are playing some kind of egotistical bullshit fame game. Here are some things that annoy me that musicians do: 

-don’t gossip enough or talk about their life in interviews and only talk about their music. shouldn’t your life, knowledge and experiences be a part of your music? 

-when artists/actors/musicians are afraid to be controversial/subversive. nice interviews are great for the interviewer, but does a reader really want to read about how blessed celebrities are to have fans and fortune? no! give me your secret thoughts, your real opinions, the dirt. watch an old david bowie interview and watch how people used to challenge each other in interviews. ok, kate bush does interesting “nice” interviews, but it’s only because i imagine she’s my cool aunt while I listen to her answer questions. it’s ok to be nice, but be interesting. at least a little bit. or pretend, like i do.

-pass you along to their manager or booking agent when you ask them directly to play a show with you. ok, I can see the benefit of doing this, but it’s a little irritating, especially when i’m only asking them to play a show with me in hopes of meeting Eric Wareheim from the Tim & Eric show. I’m totally not talking about Tearist. But I am talking about Tearist and a bunch of other people at the same time. I want to be in a video with Eric Wareheim. So really what i hate about musicians is how they prevent me inadvertently from meeting my comedic heroes.

-don’t respond to/don’t want to contribute to a fundraising release that can help people whose lives are in danger in the philippines. fuck you and fuck your career moves. one song is not that hard to write. and if you don’t want to be with “lesser artists” on a compilation, at least start your own famous people fundraising comp, ok?

-artists who write lyrics but don’t really have anything to say or express. unless written by sparks or brian eno, i am not a fan of meaningless lyrics. and sparks is funny and clever, while eno is poetic and strategic. so they still win, and so do i for listening to them.

-artists who write shitty music and care more about fame and vaginas than anything else and succeed in getting both. one day you will be cursed with shamefully looking back at your discography while bathing in a hot tub with 5 models.

-artists who become friends with me on facebook just spam me with their music or get me to “like” their stuff so they can get more attention, but don’t even like my band. fyi spammers: i’m not famous and i can’t help you and your spam is patronizing me, reminding me of myspace before everyone stopped using it and embarassing you. if you want someone to facebook notice you, you just have to add them, find their email, and send them embarassing fanmail in which you offer to be their manager/nude photographer like i do

-bands who think they are above playing with musicians that are not as famous, even thought they might enjoy the music of said band, or that band might actually be better than their own band.


1) Why the fuck did I think that I shouldn’t wear eyeliner on my lower eye bits anymore for the last two years? Too early 2000s? Going for a retro look? Not anymore, these eyes are going to be so intense they’ll make you cry and scream inside

2) It is really necessary to swear in your first question?

3) Does anyone else close their eyes and grip the arms of their airline seat when they fly (especially when hitting turbulence)? Maybe since my eyes are closed when this happens, I can’t see all the other people doing it

4) Can you call anything “art” as long as it has an idea or concept behind it?

5) Does it matter if the idea or concept is good? I guess “good” is subjective, so no use in asking this rhetorical question.

6) Why has my phone been dying daily recently? What’s going on with THAT?

7) What will happen in the next season of Girls?

8) How many of the times I’ve been sick in the past year are mostly due to smoking? I guestimate 4.

9) Will my cat and niece shun me when I go back to Vancouver?

10) How much more self absorbed can questions get?

Time for bed.

Yesterday, after 4 hours of sleep and a little bit of work, I went to Friedhof in Ohlsdorf. It’s a giant cemetery and I didn’t get through much of it because I wore inappropriate shoes and drank too much coffee. But what I saw was amazing. It was sunny and cold. I saw beautiful statues and the biggest graves (more like monuments…) I have ever seen. I took some pictures at the graveyard and then went home. Soon after I got home, I got really sick and puked a bunch and slept a lot. I feel somewhat human again today, but I also slept most of today. Not usual. I think tomorrow will be alot better. I can have a meal and drink a coffee.


I just read an email “peta” sent me, about animals being tested in laboratories. And I cried from it. It is SO sad what psychology students do to animals in order to get information.

I remember at university, we talked about a lot of these psychology experiments on animals, because many of them were mentioned in our textbooks.

For example, there were baby monkeys who were separated from their mothers. Some of the babies were given a wire surrogate mother with a bottle, and some were given a cloth-covered mother with a bottle.

You can find out more from the link below. The results of the experiment are actually really interesting, even though the experiment is quite mean:

This rhesus monkey study wasn’t uncontroversial among animal activists. But of course, if this was done to a human baby it would be even more of an outrage.

Anyway, when we discussed these kinds of studies in class, I got the strong sense that no matter how much these psychological experiments improved the lives of people, they can’t be worth it if animals have to suffer. I got the feeling these experiments were wrong. I don’t believe that much is wrong (because right/wrong is mostly subjective and depends on upbringing, culture and having the mental and linguistic capacity to conceive of/think of morality…for example, humans believe incest is “wrong” but rabbits seriously are incestuous all the time. I should know because I once had a large family of rabbits when I was a child) but I do believe that knowingly inflicting pain on others is almost always wrong. That’s not to say I’ve never hit someone, or that it didn’t feel good during and after. It was still wrong of me, according to my one small piece of moral advice.

Another experiment that one of my professors took part in involved cutting a rat’s head open to remove a part of its brain, and transferring that bit of brain to another rat to see if it would change the biological rhythms of the recieving rat (it’s so easy to sound clinical when talking about psychology and it’s easy to sound sensational and trigger emotion when you’re peta…wording can really provoke specific reactions…when I talk clinically, I feel less emotional about the rats. But, if someone were to describe the experiment like peta does here, I would cry:  Maybe that explains why psych students don’t seem very shocked by experiments on animals (FYI: the animals are usually killed after they are used in an experiment. I also feel like crying (I cry a lot, obviously) when I go to zoos, aquariums, when I see animals in cages, birds with broken wings, documentaries about farms. You get the idea.

I don’t know how I can care about a guy who was an asshole to me, or putting out a new album or what outfit I’m going to wear when things that are so much more urgent important are constantly happening. I think it’s thinking about the small things (see above) that make life digestible and easy and even though most people realize that things like nuclear/environmental disasters happen, or people/animals are abused, it’s easier to distract one’s self and get rid of the anxious feelings one might have about these issues. Also i guess it helps that we often don’t know the people or animals who are suffering. If my family member or pet was suffering, I know I would try harder to relieve this suffering than if it was happening to someone living far away and out of sight.

But some problems are urgent, and I don’t want to live my life without fighting for a worthy cause. But I think the reason why talking about these things IS soooo frowned upon is because it makes people feel anxious (including me!!!!) until something is done to remedy the situation, but we all realize there are many situations that are troublesome. And one person or one organization can’t fix everything. These problems are overwhelming and uncomfortable to talk about. It’s easier to make jokes, have fun, and distract yourself. I do this too, and I can’t imagine life without fun, distractions, and jokes.

And there’s also the issue of many people thinking that people are the centre of the world. Sure, it’s a nice position humans are in. Many of us can go to the grocery store for a meal without thinking long about where our food comes from (though I would guess we all know because there’s been so many documentaries on this topic).

But from an evolutionary standpoint, people haven’t been around very long at all, and why humans would be above any other animal is beyond me. If someone were to argue that humans are better because humans are more intelligent or more spiritual than animals, first of all I will say I don’t even believe in the idea of a spirit. What are people even talking about when they say they’re “spiritual” but not religious? I have no idea… And maybe humans know how to do math better than a cockroach or a dog, but in my point of view, knowing how to survive is a big part of intelligence. And people are knowingly destroying their environment because it’s built into our social systems to do so, and because it’s somewhat socially acceptable. And people still argue that capitalism works, even though the economy is collapsing. Even people that work for millionaire companies but are only paid 6-10 dollars an hour will argue for capitalism. Because people wouldn’t work as hard if the system wasn’t competitive? I would rather work hard for people I like and can depend on than a company who pays me slightly above the lowest wage allowed. And there are many humans one might consider “stupid”, even with the now enlarged spectrum of different types of made up intelligence (eg. “emotional intelligence”). What about human babies? That’s the only humor you’re going to get in this rant, by the way. But seriously, if human superiority is about intelligence, why should I eat a cow rather than a human baby?  I mean, I don’t want to eat either one but an adult cow might seriously be smarter than a human baby.


Today, I started planning my trip to the USA next year. I haven’t been in so long, I’m actually pretty excited to go back. And the 2 (ish) weeks we’re going is kind of a perfect amount of time. You can live a decadent lifestyle for 2 weeks easily, but not for 5 weeks. Especially with the weak American beer forcing you to drink the hard stuff. One of the things I am seriously most excited about is eating perfect burritos!!!! And seeing old friends from visits that happened long ago. 

I’ve been really into fruit lately. That has nothing to do with anything. But I’m eating a lot of fruits and vegetables. A little pat on the back for myself. Also, I covered the OMD song, “Messages” and did some fitness videos. I also tried to copy some ballet moves from a ballet performance video. I at least got the arms right! 

Today, I talked to my friend Szam on the Skype phone for a really long time and he told me a bunch of funny stories. Even his sad stories are a bit funny, the way he tells them. He shares my point of view that life is filled with a lot of boring moments. Can this be helped? I think the main reason humans get bored is because we don’t have to run from animals that would like to kill and eat us…or forage for food. Everything is too easy. Also, I would recommend that he gossip more, or take a dance class. As long as I keep moving, everything feels ok. 

God, it’s almost 4 in the morning.

It’s Sunday again…

I’m not really hung over, no. Just lazy today (Ahem- I am on my billionth episode of “Girls” and I don’t even KNOW how much cheese I’ve eaten today…) But I did go out dancing until 7 am after drinking far too many Astras and Bloody Marys at my house. I know that it was too many drinks because I sang “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me” in my corridor at 2am…just a little bit of singing. The neighbors didn’t call the police like they sometimes do, luckily. My friends and I went to the new goth party called “Fade” in Hamburg. We stuck out a bit, despite wearing all black. I actually cut my bangs too short and dyed my hair light pink, so I look(ed) like myself when I was 16. The only difference is my cheeks aren’t as chubby and I look more tired. Speaking of the number 16: I smoked 16 cigarettes on the very day I wanted to totally quit smoking (yesterday). I was doing so well…it was sunny and I had 2 cups of coffee before going to the bank. I thought cheesy thoughts about how great the u-bahn system is in Hamburg and how well Germany works. And then I started to think of how no one as beautiful as so-and-so will ever love me again. And this was a very superficial and silly thing to think. And if I were writing a children’s book with myself as the main character, I would write some kind of moral in there to teach all the readers a lesson and for people not to worry about such things. And it was 4 pm and I bought a pack of smokes to prevent myself from smoking too many rolled cigarettes. But instead of smoking too many rolled ones, I smoked too many expensive filter cigarettes. Anyway, I should really volunteer or something because there are more important things in life than quitting smoking and good looks. Maybe I can work at a quitting smoking hotline or quitting models hotline and be really hypocritical but great at my volunteer job? Or more seriously, volunteer at an animal shelter or crisis hotline or something that helps the environment. I know it’s not funny or amusing. But it would solve many problems/questions: how to be a better person? how to spend my time when I am not writing music/talking/drawing? how can I help people/things/animals? I think people can also be helped by music, because I was when I was younger and I still am now. But there’s always more you can do, and I think it’s ok to have very high expectations for yourself. Anyway, I’m still not over my grandma, and I hate to think of who I’ve lost. But I also don’t like to forget.